GREETINGS FROM THE GULAG!

Facebook is determined that I should never return. And at this point, I’m willing to let them have their way.

Hi Dad - I'm in Jail

I serve a stint in Facebook jail every three or four months, and always for something ridiculous. My latest infraction came the day before my birthday (Thanks Fuckerberg!). A friend posted about Ukrainian grandmas with guns, and I wrote, “First we kill the Russians. Then we make the borscht.” Apparently that was hate speech. Note that my friend wrote, “The babushkas of Ukraine will kill you dead and then go work on their root garden,” and that post is still online. All “kills” are not created equal. Note as well that it took 6 days for Fibbie to decide I was a bad boy. Slow bots?

[On a previous occasion, I was slapped down for posting “Lenny, you ignorant slut” in response to “Tell me about the rabbits, George.” That was bullying, even though no one in the thread was named Lenny. But the FaceBots are unfamiliar with Of Mice and Men, Looney Tunes, and Saturday Night Live. Or anything resembling humor. *sigh*]

During all my previous trips to the Gulag, FB would keep me up to date with the activities of my friends. I’d get regular Notifications of their posts and likes and all the things that make Facebook so wonderful and annoying. This time: radio silence. The only notifications I get are from Groups and for Birthdays – in case I want to message a friend and say, “Sorry I can’t post on your wall for your birthday; I’m incarcerated.” In the past, Facebook’s goal was to make me MISS Facebook, by showing me all the fun I was missing. This time, their goal seems to be to wean me OFF Facebook, by showing me nothing but the bullshit.

This shouldn’t be a surprise. Facebook has shown for years how badly they suck at marketing. Everyone I know uses Facebook IN SPITE of how it works, rather than because. I have friends who use FB for some kind of marketing, who regularly bemoan the fact that every time FB “updates” their system, they have to reorganize how they structure their page. I’ve spent hours trying to figure out how to make FB work the way I’d like it to work, rather than how it does.

[Note: For all my “helpful” friends who are going to tell me about Social Fixer, I’ve been using Social Fixer for years, and even that app can’t keep up with Zuckerberg’s attempts to destroy his platform. If you don’t know what Social Fixer is, don’t worry. It was quite lovely 20 years ago.]

I have missed Facebook. As I said, I missed my birthday, and wasn’t able to respond to everyone who posted on my wall for that event. I was able to “Like” some of those posts, until FB figured out that Bruce Wayne was Batman. I missed the Equinox, and my usual post for that event. I missed the Oscars, and the Slap Heard Round the World. Today, there’s Madison Cawthorn’s sex parties. I’m sure there’s more, because FB’s main purpose is a place to comment on nonsense.

Of course, I will return to Facebook once my term is up (on April 8). It’s my morning newspaper that I read with my coffee. But I’m likely to be less engaged. I’m out of the habit. If you’re reading this, I have NO IDEA what you’ve been up to over the past month, because part of my “punishment” is breaking the link with my friends – i.e. destroying FB’s raison d’être. If you’re not reading this – which most of my friends aren’t, because they’re not friends with my alter ego – well if you’re not reading this, there’s no point in addressing you at all!

But if anything’s gonna send me to Twitter, it’s this nonsense. I know Twitter is hell – and my brief stints there have shown it to be mostly unnavigable – but at least it’s not run by Miss Culver, my dried-up harridan of a 5^th grade teacher. There’s some hate speech for you, Fuckerberg.