GREETINGS FROM THE GULAG!

Facebook is determined that I should never return. And at this point, I’m willing to let them have their way.

Hi Dad - I'm in Jail

I serve a stint in Facebook jail every three or four months, and always for something ridiculous. My latest infraction came the day before my birthday (Thanks Fuckerberg!). A friend posted about Ukrainian grandmas with guns, and I wrote, “First we kill the Russians. Then we make the borscht.” Apparently that was hate speech. Note that my friend wrote, “The babushkas of Ukraine will kill you dead and then go work on their root garden,” and that post is still online. All “kills” are not created equal. Note as well that it took 6 days for Fibbie to decide I was a bad boy. Slow bots?

[On a previous occasion, I was slapped down for posting “Lenny, you ignorant slut” in response to “Tell me about the rabbits, George.” That was bullying, even though no one in the thread was named Lenny. But the FaceBots are unfamiliar with Of Mice and Men, Looney Tunes, and Saturday Night Live. Or anything resembling humor. *sigh*]

During all my previous trips to the Gulag, FB would keep me up to date with the activities of my friends. I’d get regular Notifications of their posts and likes and all the things that make Facebook so wonderful and annoying. This time: radio silence. The only notifications I get are from Groups and for Birthdays – in case I want to message a friend and say, “Sorry I can’t post on your wall for your birthday; I’m incarcerated.” In the past, Facebook’s goal was to make me MISS Facebook, by showing me all the fun I was missing. This time, their goal seems to be to wean me OFF Facebook, by showing me nothing but the bullshit.

This shouldn’t be a surprise. Facebook has shown for years how badly they suck at marketing. Everyone I know uses Facebook IN SPITE of how it works, rather than because. I have friends who use FB for some kind of marketing, who regularly bemoan the fact that every time FB “updates” their system, they have to reorganize how they structure their page. I’ve spent hours trying to figure out how to make FB work the way I’d like it to work, rather than how it does.

[Note: For all my “helpful” friends who are going to tell me about Social Fixer, I’ve been using Social Fixer for years, and even that app can’t keep up with Zuckerberg’s attempts to destroy his platform. If you don’t know what Social Fixer is, don’t worry. It was quite lovely 20 years ago.]

I have missed Facebook. As I said, I missed my birthday, and wasn’t able to respond to everyone who posted on my wall for that event. I was able to “Like” some of those posts, until FB figured out that Bruce Wayne was Batman. I missed the Equinox, and my usual post for that event. I missed the Oscars, and the Slap Heard Round the World. Today, there’s Madison Cawthorn’s sex parties. I’m sure there’s more, because FB’s main purpose is a place to comment on nonsense.

Of course, I will return to Facebook once my term is up (on April 8). It’s my morning newspaper that I read with my coffee. But I’m likely to be less engaged. I’m out of the habit. If you’re reading this, I have NO IDEA what you’ve been up to over the past month, because part of my “punishment” is breaking the link with my friends – i.e. destroying FB’s raison d’être. If you’re not reading this – which most of my friends aren’t, because they’re not friends with my alter ego – well if you’re not reading this, there’s no point in addressing you at all!

But if anything’s gonna send me to Twitter, it’s this nonsense. I know Twitter is hell – and my brief stints there have shown it to be mostly unnavigable – but at least it’s not run by Miss Culver, my dried-up harridan of a 5^th grade teacher. There’s some hate speech for you, Fuckerberg.

  

The Scene I Hate

I saw Up in the Air last night, and by and large I really liked it. It's a movie about grownups, made for grownups. It’s smart and funny, and it reminds you of what a good actor George Clooney can be when he's not trying so hard.

But late in the movie comes The Scene I Hate. If you haven't seen the movie, you should stop now, because ahead thar be spoilers. If you have seen the movie, or don't plan to, or don't mind being spoiled, read on.

The Scene is a movie trope, like the slow clap, or the stalker – I mean romantic lead – showing up in time to stop the wedding. Here, we have a hero who has a Philosophy of Life, which is part of his character, and which he has related to other characters throughout the movie. Late in the plot, he has the opportunity to relate his Philosophy to his biggest and bestest audience yet -- in this case, at a star-studded seminar in Las Vegas. Throughout the course of the film, though, things have happened that make him unsure of him Philosophy of Life. He gets to the podium and sees packed house of expectant faces. He begins to speak... and then ... he has an Epiphany. He can't go on. He leaves the stage to gasps, and perhaps consternation from his hosts. He rushes to his car/plane/horse, newly enlightened, and speeds to the side of his One True Love, or The Child Who is Waiting, or perhaps His Destiny. Under the worst of circumstances, the music swells.

Here's the thing. I'm all for epiphanies, and recognize their value in dramatic structure. In fact, the word has its origin in the revelations of Greek drama. But this scene is inherently false. You never have your epiphany on stage in front of hundreds of people. Unless that epiphany is, "Holy crap, I hate being on stage in front of hundreds of people." In this movie, in particular, there is a scene right before the epiphany, where the character is considering the seminar to come. It is a perfect moment for him to have his reversal, and one that can still have dramatic value without being ridiculous. Worse, up to now, the movie hasn't been overly dramatic. There have been dramatic moments, but they have been natural progressions of the story. We don't need, or want, the Big Moment, especially when it is so obviously tacked-on.

Here's the other thing. One of the reasons we like the character, be it Clooney in this movie or a similar character in another movie, is that was can count on them to get through the speech at the seminar. Or at least to cancel in a timely fashion. We like them because they don't flake out and pursue their Destiny or One True Love without turning off the gas and locking the front door. I'm surrounded with people and their petty epiphanies, and I much prefer those who finish their work on deadline and pay on schedule.

There is a redeeming grace to this scene, as my viewing companion pointed out, and that is that we don't get the Big Speech. The one that begins, "I can't lie to you. I used to believe blah blah blah, but now my eyes are open." The one that ends with stunned silence. Followed by the inevitable Slow Clap.

There's a lot to like about Up in the Air, and fortunately the Epiphany doesn't kill it. But it does inject an unnecessary false note in a movie that, until then, has seemed pretty truthful. And if you're me, it makes you wince, because it's The Scene I Hate.

Too Bad

As I do every year at this time, I'd like to offer my traditional Thanksgiving poem. I am not the author of this ditty, it pains me to say. It was written by a small child who none of you know.

The Pilgrims

When the Pilgrims came to America
They were full of hope and joy
But there was no food
So they starved to death
And that was too bad for them
Yes, that was too bad for them

Then people came from England to see
What happened to the Pilgrims
But all they found
Were the empty houses
And the things they left behind
And that was too bad for them
Yes, that was too bad for them

Granted, this poem seems to have more to do with the Roanoke Colony than the Plymouth Plantation founded some 37 years later. But the simple pleasure it takes in the cruel fate of the colonists runs so counter to the prevailing sentiment of the season that it fills my heart with joy.

*****

The Pilgrims were, of course, a little nuts, a combination of Christian fundamentalists and Jehovah's Witnesses. As I've written in these pages before, they were Puritans, religious conservatives who were upset about the excesses of the Anglican Church. Such as Christmas. And Easter. The Puritans who stayed in England were a driving force in the English Civil War, which led to the rise of (Puritan) Oliver Cromwell and the closing of the theaters (amongst other things). Remember the Restoration? That was the restoration of Charles II to the throne of England. And that's another story.

The Puritans who came to North America believed that Armageddon was at hand and hoped to establish the Kingdom of Heaven in the New World. They saw themselves as the Chosen Elect written about in Revelations, and everyone else – Anglicans, Catholics, and of course all non-Christians (such as Native Americans) – was damned to hell. In their holy war against Satan, you were either with them or you were with the enemy.

They would feel right at home in contemporary America.

*****

The First Thanksgiving was neither a Thanksgiving, nor the First. For the Puritans, "thanksgiving" was a religious observance, which would have been held in September and would have included neither feasting nor games. The Wampanoag, on the other hand, held six such festivals during the year, from the Maple Dance in early spring when the sap began to run to their version of a winter solstice festival. What we celebrate as "Thanksgiving" was a standard harvest festival, which would have been familiar to both the Pilgrims and the Wampanoag, and on the part of the Native Americans, would have been held for at least hundreds of years.

Still, it was the first documented harvest festival celebrated by white folks in the New World, and there was plenty to be thankful for (especially considering that the previous winter, nearly half of them had perished). And that's good enough for me.

Too Bad, II

I'm doing something this Thanksgiving I've never done before. I'm observing it alone.

Now before you all get your knickers in a twist, let me assure you that this is not a tragedy. Nor is it a call for eleventh hour invitations. While the situation is not completely my choice, I am not unhappy with the results.

Let me explain.

For the past few years, I've celebrated Thanksgiving with a handful of friends, several of whom are part of my weekly Friday night Salon. You've all read the Tale of the Turducken. For a number of reasons, none of them good, said celebration has been cancelled this year. But for the same reasons, I didn't know it would be cancelled until a couple of weeks ago.

At first, this cancellation was not a cause for alarm. I had several other options.

There is a small family which has become part of my extended family. I spend time with them on a host of occasions throughout the year: holidays, birthdays, summer barbecues. Unfortunately, the father of one half of the couple is in poor health, and they have made plans to spend the holiday weekend with him.

I have another friend whose mother decided, once he got his own apartment, that she was done hosting Thanksgiving, and handed the reins to him. I've had Thanksgiving with them before and hoped to do so again this year. There are several attractive things about this option. The first is that it provides me with the opportunity to cook. When I join this group, I go to my friend's house the night before. Instead of just bringing a side dish, I get up in the morning and help out in the kitchen. Since I enjoy cooking – and since my turkey gravy is a wonder to behold – this is fun for me. The other benefit of visiting this friend is that I spend Thanksgiving night at his house as well, saving me the distinctly unpleasurable task of traveling on a full stomach. Or waking up from a food coma to do so.

Unfortunately, while this option is sort of available this year, it is not attractive. My friend is spending Thanksgiving with his extended family in Kankakee, a mere 70 miles from my house. If I had transportation. Since I don't, I would end up traveling the 45 miles to my friend's house by commuter rail, only to journey an additional 60 miles to Kankakee. Not gonna happen. Especially since I would not have the opportunity to help with the cooking, and I would have to travel on a full stomach, both of which obviate the very reason for wanting to spend the holiday with these people to begin with.

You see my predicament.

Thanksgiving with friends was "officially" cancelled 10 days ago. (I had a sense of its demise a week before that.) I got the news about Kankakee and my other friend's plans last Friday. This still gave me nearly a week to make other arrangements. I have family in the city and nearby suburbs, as well as other friends on whose good graces I could call. But here's the thing. For the past few years, I've been roasting a turkey this week anyway. Having Thanksgiving at a friend's house means you miss out on leftovers, arguably the best part about Thanksgiving dinner. Even if you go home with a packet of leavings, it's rarely anything substantial enough for a second meal, and sometimes not enough for a truly worthwhile sandwich. So I've taken to buying a small turkey I can roast for leftovers and stock. I make enough spiced cranberries to bring some for dinner and still have some at home. And that's a start.

This year, I'm making dinner for myself. Butternut squash soup to start. Then comes turkey, with sage stuffing (not traditional in my family) with sausage and apples, mashed sweet potatoes (a lower fat alternative) and Brussels sprouts (which only I like) roasted with shallots. I have the makings for a pumpkin pie, but I'm not a big dessert fan, so I may skip it. After dinner, I'll watch Miracle on 34th Street, which starts on Thanksgiving and ends on Christmas Eve, or maybe the original Yours, Mine and Ours, with Henry Fonda and Lucille Ball (and a young Tim Matheson) on Turner Classic Movies.

Mind you, this is not a new tradition. I'm not such a grinch that I'll want to spend every Thanksgiving alone. (Hmmm. Maybe I'll watch The Grinch on DVD.) But for this year, it's a not unpleasant notion.

The More Things Change

In preparing this holiday article, I took a look back into the files. Here's some of what I found:

11.21.2001
Wild About Harry, part II
I've seen it. In fact, I was one of the millions who saw it on Saturday, rocketing it to the highest one-day gross in history.

[The original "Wild About Harry" article, the previous week, anticipated the release of the first Harry Potter film. I didn't expect to see it until after the initial buzz died down, so my attendance on that Saturday was a surprise to me.]

11.22.2002
King Harry
"Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets" opened at multiplexes across the land last Friday. There were special midnight screenings at 12:01 am on Friday morning, for those kids who needed their Harry fix. Since the movie is over 2 1/2 hours long, these kids didn't make it to bed until after 3 in the morning. Thanks, Mom! Now off to school!

[I didn't send a Thanksgiving Reader in 2003 (nor, in fact, from September 2003 until March 2004!), and "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban" wasn't released until the summer of 2004. But last year's issue opened with a familiar theme:]

11.19.2004
This week's issue is mostly reruns. I had my teeth cleaned today and it's 7:30 and I'm just not up for anything new.

[And also:]

11.22.2002
As I write these words, I'm wearing the last of my Crest Whitestrips (TM). This Dental Whitening System is guaranteed to give you noticeably whiter teeth in just 14 days. Well, I've followed their regimen for the past two weeks and don't see any difference.

[It's hard to believe that just one short year ago, many of us were mourning the results of the presidential election. Here's a snippet:]

I can't write any more about politics without my head exploding, but I can't think of anything but politics. I'm like something out of Scanners. I need to take this break to wash that president right out of my hair. Come December, maybe I'll be funny again.

[Here are a few other appropriate blurbs from that prescient issue:]

If the message of the first four years was, "If you're a Democrat who disagrees with George Bush, you'd better watch out," the message of the next four years is already shaping up as, "If you're a Republican who disagrees with George Bush, you'd better watch out."

I was appalled to see Arlen Specter, a five term Senator and loyal foot soldier to the Republican Party, slapped down for suggesting anti-abortion judges might find confirmation a tough road. ... Oh, by the way, in the past four years, Democrats have blocked only 10 of Bush's judicial nominations, while passing 203. MORE THAN UNDER ANY PRESIDENT IN HISTORY. Yeah, Specter and the Dems are a real threat.

Meanwhile, House Republicans changed their rules so Tom DeLay could remain in place as House Majority Leader even if he is indicted for a felony and Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist plans to change Senate rules so that a judicial nomination could be brought to the floor for a vote by a simple majority rather than the three-fifths majority - 60 votes - now needed to end a filibuster. You are with us or you are with the terrorists.

[This all sounds very familiar to me. Back in 2001, we were a nation at war. In Afghanistan. Remember Afghanistan?]

Nothing like a little war to make the holidays special. It's an American tradition. Washington crossed the Delaware on Christmas night to take Trenton. The Battle of the Bulge took place during Christmas and New Year 1944/45. Remember the Tet offensive? Now that was holiday spirit!

American forces are going to have a tough time of it this Thanksgiving. With Bob Hope sinking fast, Wayne Newton, in his new position as USO chairman, is threatening to entertain the troops. He's already staged a Veterans Day benefit, "Las Vegas Salutes the Spirit of America," featuring Robert Goulet, Rick Springfield, Carrot Top and Rich Little. Nothing like rounding up a passel of has-beens and second stringers to raise both spirits and cash. Now he's on the road with Rob Schneider, country singer Neal McCoy, Bo Derek and The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders. I guess Connie Stevens and Phyllis Diller are staying home.

So let's see ... a new Harry Potter movie, dental problems, controversy surrounding the War on Terror ... it must be Thanksgiving!

The Pusher Man

As you know, this time last week I was in recovery from dental surgery. Okay, an extraction. The dentist sent me home with two prescriptions: one for Amoxicillin, an antibiotic to cure the infection on one side of my mouth, and another for Vicodin, to ease the pain on the other. In both cases, he checked the "may substitute" box on the prescription.

I filled the scrips at CVS. This is not my usual drugstore, not that I have one, but if I did it would be the Walgreens down the street. But there's a newish CVS in my neighborhood, and so they've been sending out coupons. One offered a $25 gift card with a new prescription. How could I say no?

I should have known something was up when the first response of the pharmacist was, "These are some good meds." She clarified her statement by saying they weren't very expensive, but the cat had stuck its head out of the bag. I dithered about the store while she filled the prescription.

When I returned, another pharmacist – the actual pharmacist? – gave me the prescription, but also a tip. Instead of Vicodin, she had substituted Hydrocodone, which is Vicodin without the sharkskin suit. The prescription was for 8 pills. Since the instructions specified a dose of one tablet every 4 to 6 hours, this was 2 or 3 days' worth of treatment. Sufficient. But the pharmacist informed me that, as with many kinds of drugs, the more you buy, the cheaper they are. 8 pills were $10.99. But my scrip allowed for one refill, and 16 pills were also $10.99. Did I want the double dose?

When I originally went to my periodontist, I had some extensive work done. At the time, he prescribed some Vicodin, but told me that Advil would probably do the job just as well. He was right. He told me the same thing this time, and said I could choose whether or not I wanted to spend the money on Vicodin. He could have skipped the second prescription altogether, but pain is unpredictable.

The druggist was not making any more money by selling me twice as much opiate. Unless she was getting a kickback from the drug company for pushing their product. But it's a generic drug; there is no brand name. As for the sale, it was the same price. For twice as much. I understand the concept of bulk discounts. But it's never the same price for twice as much.

I appreciate her informing me of the savings possibility from a perspective of customer service. But did I need twice as much hydrocodone? Did I need half as much?

Between 1988 and 1998, the number of prescriptions per year for first-time users of Vicodin and similar painkillers grew from 500,000 to 1.6 million.

In animal studies in the 1930s, researchers discovered that hydrocodone, in addition to being an effective painkiller, "induced euphoria, and therefore there was danger of addiction." The drug produced "excitation indistinguishable from that produced by morphine in morphine-tolerant rats." Finally, "Its repeated administration to dogs and monkeys leads to the development of tolerance but more slowly than that of morphine or Dilaudid [a relative of morphine] and to the occurrence of abstinence syndromes that are less severe than with the other drugs." In other words, not only is it addictive, but you don't know you're getting addicted until you're really addicted.

I will not become addicted to hydrocodone. I don't have a doctor that will keep writing me prescriptions for the stuff. But I do have a pharmacist who will sell me twice as much as necessary for the same price. And in a world in which patients are told to ask their doctors about drugs X, Y and Z, and doctors write three times as many prescriptions for the stuff as they did 20 years ago, I am in a growing minority.