Grapes of Dross
By the time you read this, “The Passion of the Christ” should be well on its way to a third record weekend. The flick has already brought in more than $200 million, probably with very little repeat business. Generally, blockbusters like “Lord of the Rings” make their money from audience members seeing the film again and again, and bringing their friends. “Passion” got off to a strong start through advance ticket sales to church groups, and has been bolstered by the controversy surrounding it. But I find it hard to imagine anyone but hard-core Christians or dedicated S&M fans seeing this movie more than once. It’s a long time between films that appeal equally to the College of Cardinals and leather worshippers.
Hollywood has certainly taken notice of the film’s success. CBS has already announced plans to rerun the made for TV movie, “Jesus,” which originally aired in 1999. Starring as Jesus is Jeremy Sisto, in the years between playing one of the shirtless boys in “White Squall” and Brenda’s crazy brother in “Six Feet Under.” In SFU, he carves a tattoo off the small of his back, in a scene that would certainly be at home in “Passion.” Jeremy’s mom in “Jesus” is played by Jacqueline Bisset, in what I assume is not one of her MILF roles. Joseph is played by Armin-Mueller Stahl, who you may remember as the patriarch in “Avalon,” or Jessica Lange’s secret Nazi father in “Music Box.” Last month he played the Israeli Prime Minister in “The West Wing,” which is typical of the roles he tends to play. In any case, by the time he did “Jesus” he was nearly 70 years old, which is probably twice as old as the historical Joseph ever managed. Debra Massing plays Mary Magdalene, just about the time she started playing Grace. Go figure. Gary Oldman plays Pontius Pilate, which is just about the only role he plays any more.
Any movie with the degree of success of “Passion” cries out for a sequel. Granted, the hero dies at the end, which is generally a difficult obstacle for any franchise in the making. But the beauty of the Christ story is the resurrection. Not only does the hero return to life, but he has special powers which allow him to travel through time and space, and render him invincible. He’s Superman without the Kryptonite.
So it should come as no surprise than Newmarket Films has announced plans for a follow up to “The Passion of the Christ,” tentatively titled “The Revenge of the Christ.” The story picks up where “Passion” leaves off, with Jesus teaming up with his disciples and the Romans to take vengeance on the evil Jews responsible for his death. The marketing strategy is already in place, built around the tag line, “He has loosed the fateful lighting of his terrible swift sword!”
As a Newmarket rep explains, ‘The problem with Jesus is that he’s all powerful. He’s the Son of God, with all of his dad’s strengths. Sure, he’s got the self-doubt, but that pretty much gets beaten out of him in “Passion,” y’know what I mean? So you’ve got this all powerful character who can’t be killed. Where’s the fun in that? We figured the one thing that could kill Jesus is if no one believes in him. But that was too Peter Pan. I mean, what are you gonna do, have Mary Magdalene call out to the audience, “If you believe in Jesus Christ, pray!” And what, we’re gonna have kneelers in all these movie theaters? No way.
“But Jesus has all these followers, and they’re human, see. So they can be killed. And I mean, they were killed all the time, right? And he comes with the disciples built right in, like Robin Hood. So even though he can’t be killed, his friends can. And what does he do? He weeps. Get it? Jesus weeps.
“Right off the top, you’ve got Mary Magdalene. Classic character. Hooker with a heart of gold – what could be better? Is she his girlfriend or is she just a whore? Girlfriend slash moral center slash kick-ass hottie. Electra in Daredevil. Is Julia too old for this?
“Then there’s the other Mary. His mom. Last thing we want is some stay-at-home worrywart like Ma Kent, or clueless Aunt May from “Spider-Man.” I’m thinking more along the lines of Kris Kristofferson in “Blade.” Mentor and weapons master. Maybe Joseph taught her how to make swords? Her love forges his terrible swift sword. I love it. This could be “Gloria, Part 2” for Gena Rowlands. I smell Oscar!
“We went back and forth on Pilate. Is he a villain? Is he a sidekick? I mean, he sentences Jesus to death, y’know? But he doesn’t want to, he does everything he can to avoid it. He’s conflicted. And you have Jesus chasing the Roman and the Jews, it gets too confusing. And besides which, the Romans eventually become the god guys, with the Pope and everything. And Pilate, geez, perfect second banana. Always washing his hands. Very OCD, very Tony Shalhoub in “Monk.” Powerful, yet weak. Great part for a young – and alive – Jack Lemmon. Shalhoub is too obvious. Is Roberto Benigni too far out?
“And anyway, for the villain, I mean super-villain, you’ve got Caiaphas. Crazy evil. Like Christopher Walken evil. Before he played that pussy in “Catch Me If You Can.” Or Willem Dafoe. Before he played that pussy in “Auto Focus.” Geez, who can play evil anymore? Maybe Harvey Keitel. Before he played that pussy in “Red Dragon.”
“And I love the whole costume drama thing, the whole desert thing. Not that Aramaic, of course, that bullshit’s got to go. But we could use accents. Not for Jesus, he’s straight up American. But otherwise, there’s tons of possibilities. It’s a cross between “Gladiator” and “The Scorpion King.” He’s not the Scorpion King, he’s the King of Kings! Write that down. I wonder if The Rock’s available?”
Needless to say, Mel Gibson will not be involved with the sequel. Neither will James Caviezel, who the producers feel is “too wimpy” to play the avenging Christ they envision. The Rock is just the latest name to be mentioned, along with Colin Farrell (“too short”), Matt Damon (“too pale”) and Ben Affleck (“that whole ‘Bennifer’ thing”). The producers feel somewhat constrained by the age requirement, and hope to find someone who can play mid-thirties throughout the length of a three-picture deal. “The last thing we want is some old codger playing our Lord. Arnold in T3 was bad enough.”
Hollywood has certainly taken notice of the film’s success. CBS has already announced plans to rerun the made for TV movie, “Jesus,” which originally aired in 1999. Starring as Jesus is Jeremy Sisto, in the years between playing one of the shirtless boys in “White Squall” and Brenda’s crazy brother in “Six Feet Under.” In SFU, he carves a tattoo off the small of his back, in a scene that would certainly be at home in “Passion.” Jeremy’s mom in “Jesus” is played by Jacqueline Bisset, in what I assume is not one of her MILF roles. Joseph is played by Armin-Mueller Stahl, who you may remember as the patriarch in “Avalon,” or Jessica Lange’s secret Nazi father in “Music Box.” Last month he played the Israeli Prime Minister in “The West Wing,” which is typical of the roles he tends to play. In any case, by the time he did “Jesus” he was nearly 70 years old, which is probably twice as old as the historical Joseph ever managed. Debra Massing plays Mary Magdalene, just about the time she started playing Grace. Go figure. Gary Oldman plays Pontius Pilate, which is just about the only role he plays any more.
Any movie with the degree of success of “Passion” cries out for a sequel. Granted, the hero dies at the end, which is generally a difficult obstacle for any franchise in the making. But the beauty of the Christ story is the resurrection. Not only does the hero return to life, but he has special powers which allow him to travel through time and space, and render him invincible. He’s Superman without the Kryptonite.
So it should come as no surprise than Newmarket Films has announced plans for a follow up to “The Passion of the Christ,” tentatively titled “The Revenge of the Christ.” The story picks up where “Passion” leaves off, with Jesus teaming up with his disciples and the Romans to take vengeance on the evil Jews responsible for his death. The marketing strategy is already in place, built around the tag line, “He has loosed the fateful lighting of his terrible swift sword!”
As a Newmarket rep explains, ‘The problem with Jesus is that he’s all powerful. He’s the Son of God, with all of his dad’s strengths. Sure, he’s got the self-doubt, but that pretty much gets beaten out of him in “Passion,” y’know what I mean? So you’ve got this all powerful character who can’t be killed. Where’s the fun in that? We figured the one thing that could kill Jesus is if no one believes in him. But that was too Peter Pan. I mean, what are you gonna do, have Mary Magdalene call out to the audience, “If you believe in Jesus Christ, pray!” And what, we’re gonna have kneelers in all these movie theaters? No way.
“But Jesus has all these followers, and they’re human, see. So they can be killed. And I mean, they were killed all the time, right? And he comes with the disciples built right in, like Robin Hood. So even though he can’t be killed, his friends can. And what does he do? He weeps. Get it? Jesus weeps.
“Right off the top, you’ve got Mary Magdalene. Classic character. Hooker with a heart of gold – what could be better? Is she his girlfriend or is she just a whore? Girlfriend slash moral center slash kick-ass hottie. Electra in Daredevil. Is Julia too old for this?
“Then there’s the other Mary. His mom. Last thing we want is some stay-at-home worrywart like Ma Kent, or clueless Aunt May from “Spider-Man.” I’m thinking more along the lines of Kris Kristofferson in “Blade.” Mentor and weapons master. Maybe Joseph taught her how to make swords? Her love forges his terrible swift sword. I love it. This could be “Gloria, Part 2” for Gena Rowlands. I smell Oscar!
“We went back and forth on Pilate. Is he a villain? Is he a sidekick? I mean, he sentences Jesus to death, y’know? But he doesn’t want to, he does everything he can to avoid it. He’s conflicted. And you have Jesus chasing the Roman and the Jews, it gets too confusing. And besides which, the Romans eventually become the god guys, with the Pope and everything. And Pilate, geez, perfect second banana. Always washing his hands. Very OCD, very Tony Shalhoub in “Monk.” Powerful, yet weak. Great part for a young – and alive – Jack Lemmon. Shalhoub is too obvious. Is Roberto Benigni too far out?
“And anyway, for the villain, I mean super-villain, you’ve got Caiaphas. Crazy evil. Like Christopher Walken evil. Before he played that pussy in “Catch Me If You Can.” Or Willem Dafoe. Before he played that pussy in “Auto Focus.” Geez, who can play evil anymore? Maybe Harvey Keitel. Before he played that pussy in “Red Dragon.”
“And I love the whole costume drama thing, the whole desert thing. Not that Aramaic, of course, that bullshit’s got to go. But we could use accents. Not for Jesus, he’s straight up American. But otherwise, there’s tons of possibilities. It’s a cross between “Gladiator” and “The Scorpion King.” He’s not the Scorpion King, he’s the King of Kings! Write that down. I wonder if The Rock’s available?”
Needless to say, Mel Gibson will not be involved with the sequel. Neither will James Caviezel, who the producers feel is “too wimpy” to play the avenging Christ they envision. The Rock is just the latest name to be mentioned, along with Colin Farrell (“too short”), Matt Damon (“too pale”) and Ben Affleck (“that whole ‘Bennifer’ thing”). The producers feel somewhat constrained by the age requirement, and hope to find someone who can play mid-thirties throughout the length of a three-picture deal. “The last thing we want is some old codger playing our Lord. Arnold in T3 was bad enough.”
posted by John Bliss at
9:00 AM
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