The Passion of the SPAM

Anyone who has been on the Internet for more than, say, five minutes is familiar with the wonders of spam. Unbidden, it comes to you, offering a world of free TVs, instant cash, and sexual activities that would make Larry Flynt blanch. I have one email address which is dedicated to nothing but spam. Whenever I need to provide an eddress at a site that I imagine is bound to loose the floodgates of junk mail, I use this Yahoo address. There's a lot I hate about Yahoo, but since they now provide 100mb of storage, and don't count your Bulk Mail (i.e. crap) against your limit, their webmail service is perfect for this use.

Now that all my junk mail - 40 or more messages a day - is gathered in one place, I've become somewhat fascinated by it. The obvious question is, "Who is falling for this crap?" As P.T. Barnum told us, there's a sucker born every minute (or maybe it was a competitor, David Hannum, or perhaps yet another con man of the era, "Paper Collar" Joe Bessimer), and as W.C. Fields elaborated, "Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump." The theory is that if you send out enough messages, and even a tiny fraction of your marks bite, you'll turn a profit. And if someone's offering you free money or sexy singles in your area or even NFL pilsner glasses, the desire to bite may seem insurmountable.

Unless you've already seen the exact same message 50 times!

My interest is not in the economic theory behind spam, but in its ebb and flow. New messages appear as old messages drift away, perhaps simply on hiatus, perhaps gone for good. Sure, there are the classics: "Increase the size and girth of your penis;" "Young Teen Virgins;" "Find your Dream Date today." There are the electronic versions of direct mail offers from music clubs and credit card companies. There are the scams from "CitiBank" that ask you to confirm your password and PIN. There's anything labeled "SEXUALLY EXPLICIT," as if you wouldn't notice the message were it not in ALL CAPS. But new pitches arise daily. For example, Christy Cream (no relation to the pastry) is apparently the new porn star du jour, as I've seen her name appearing frequently in my spam. I've been getting a lot of offers for "free" wine lately. Is this a result of my online activities or just a new marketer in the mix? It's hard to tell. Viagra has dropped way down, no pun intended. With very little effort, it seems I could be swimming in free iPods, laptops and flat screen TVs, not to mention all the barbecue and ice cream I can eat.

And the big one, Christian Debt Relief.

For the past two to three months, my mailbox has been awash in offers to eliminate my bills the Christian way. Some of these money changers, such as the Christian Debt Advisor and the Christian Lending Network, turn up in my box anywhere from once a week to every day. Some, such as Christian Debt Removers, appear not under their own name but such pseudonyms as Spectacular Planet and WideOpenDream. But they're all selling the same thing: freedom from want, with a Gospel swing.

What makes Christian financial advisors different from their heathen counterparts? For one, their advertising. When you click on a message from Christian Debt Advisor, for example, there's an image of a man in field with his arms outstretched, in a pose that could imply financial freedom or Christ on the cross. They underscore their motto - "Debt management services based on Christian values" - with a quote from Matthew 6:12 (the Lord's Prayer): "And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors." This is not Catholic debt management, or the quote would be, "And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us." Perhaps that's reserved for Christian legal advice. In a telling moment, the link you click to be removed from the list begins, "TailWaggingOffer," implying that these Christians are not so removed from other spam artists as they might wish us to believe.

When you click on the ad - in a journey that includes 38.moosq.com (their marketing mask) and login.tracking101.com - you are taken to the sign in page for christiandebtadvisor.com. You can tell you are among Christians by 1) the color scheme of Virgin Mary blue and white, 2) the three robin's egg blue crosses in the upper left corner, 3) the line drawing in the upper right corner of two figures, one kneeling and one standing, possibly Jesus and Mary or maybe Ebenezer Scrooge and the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, and 4) the smiling young Christian family of Mommy, Daddy, Baby and Two Dogs. Hey, if you're so far in debt, you might want to cut back on the pets. You can't get any information about Christian debt relief unless you provide your contact information, including email address and home phone number, and have a minimum of $5000 unsecured debt. At this site, proselytizing comes at a price.

Several of these organizations represent the same business. Christian Lending Network (Christian Lenders - Christian Principles), Christian One Low Bill (Eliminate financial payments the Christian way) and Christian Debt Removers (Remove your bills the Christian way) all link to dci-services.com and all list an operating address of 11787 Bayou Lane, Boca Raton, Florida. CLN quotes from Psalms (112:5 "God will come to him who is generous and lends freely"), CDR from Proverbs (22:7 "the borrower is a slave to the lender") and Romans (13:8 "Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another"). No one cites my favorite Proverb (26:27), which has more to do with Wile E. Coyote than debt relief: "He who digs a pit will fall into it, / And he who rolls a stone, it will come back on him." The pit certainly applies. COLB offers to "eliminate one of Satan's best weapons ... your debt." Christian One Low Bill does the best job of bringing Christ into Christian debt relief. Their site is decidedly low-tech, but it prominently features a stained glass Jesus, the C in Christian wears a halo raked at a jaunty angle, and in addition to the Satan line they promise to help you "Travel a path to better choices," "Lead a simpler, happier life" and "Destroy temptations due to your current debt situation." How can you say no?

Unlike Christian Debt Advisor, Christian One Low Bill and Christian Debt Removers offer some information up front, in their (identical) About Us, FAQ and Facts About Debt pages. These pages are the standard boilerplate you'd read on any debt relief site, with some exceptions in Facts About Debt. Here you'll learn that "A majority of churches in the US are struggling financially because their members are struggling financially." Thus, at last, the rationale behind Christian debt consolidation! God, we are told, knows what you need, and will provide the things you need but can't afford. Unfortunately, this does not include that new TiVo. Visitors are told to "make all financial decisions based on the principles of God's Word, not the 'wisdom' of the world." For many, I suspect this would lead to commitments to poverty and charity they're not quite ready to undertake.

The Christian Lending Network is not about debt consolidation, but home loans, from 2nd mortgages and refinancing to home equity loans. They require a minimum purchase of $200,000, proposing a closer link between God and mammon than I think either would appreciate. Their biggest competitor is ChristianMortgageUSA.com, which takes the extra step of invoking both God and Country, with a crucifix on an American flag. CMU's debt relief arm (these two services always seem to go arm in arm) is Christian Debt Helpers, which adds a Bible to the mix of cross and flag. None of these sites offer much information before you make a commitment, and while CLN seems to offer a free quote on their home page, they require all your contact information before you can proceed.

There's no reason why organizations and businesses that identify themselves as Christian owned and operated should not offer debt consolidation and other forms of loans. I'm not sure exactly how I ended up on their lists, outside of the fact that they are marketing their products as aggressively as your average smut peddler. And after looking through their site, I'm still not sure which Christian principles apply to debt reduction. We can be pretty certain, under these circumstances, that "Christian" means "Evangelical," and we all know that that arm of the faith is particularly good at amassing wealth. So it's fairly natural that they should decide to go into this sort of work.

I'm just not sure it's God's work.

*****

Once I'm finished refinancing my mortgage and consolidating my debt, it's time to kick back and relax. And where better than the Christian Café? (All Christian. All Single.) This "premiere Christian singles site" tells us that "250,000 Christian Singles Can't be wrong." Wait a minute! Didn't that line refer to Brigitte Bardot? And before that, some burlesque star? I can't place the reference, but the copywriter for the Christian Café doesn't even know there is a reference. Unless this is an example of Evangelical Christianity's well known sense of irony. Uh, no. The Christian Café is like any other dating site, except that in addition to posting your photo and profile, you can also post a prayer. Whatever humps your camel. Their main competitor, which is also sending me emails, is a site called Where Christians Meet, with the "t" presented as a cross. Of course. This site requires not only a minimum age of 25, but a minimum income of $25,000. In case you want to consolidate your debt or refinance your home as your relationship progresses, I suppose.

*****

Most of the Christian spam is sent out under names which relate to the product: Christian Dating, Church Love, Where Christians Meet. Christian Bill Removers, Christian Debt Advisor, Christian Lending Network. Such is not the case, of course, with standard spam. Some of the names are nonsense (abscetl@bigpond.com), some could be anything (americanoffergroup), some are fake names (Craig Kerr, Haley Fritz). Recently, some spammers have taken to utilizing a name generator of which I am particularly fond. It is the Li'l Abner, or perhaps Pogo, name generator.

How this program works is that it takes multisyllabic English words, sometimes less-than-common ones, though not always, and separates them with an initial. Generally the names are both nouns, but adjectives have been known to make an appearance. Thus, you end up with such names as Industrial F. Noncombatant (that's Mister Industrial F. Noncombatant to you) or Clandestine L. Amoeba (a lovely girl). Every now and then, the million monkeys at the million typewriters come up with a truly inspired moniker, like Inversion C. Backup (a post-Apocalyptic preacher?) or Villainous D. Peace (the richest man in town). Some, such as McAdam C. Gambling and Catullus V. Camphor, I expect to see on the next season of Deadwood. And then there are those who stick in the mind while trying to find their final from, like Possum B. Codicil and Treads B. Oblivious.

God bless 'em all.