The Edge of Doom
The Gays are killing the Democratic Party. Or so you'd believe if you read a paper some time during the past week. This past election was all about moral values, and in this country, moral values comes down to one thing: steamy man on man sex. For years, the charge against The Gays has been that all they want to do is have cheap, meaningless sex; that their lives are all about promiscuity, at least when they're not dressing up as women and parading across town in their annual membership drives. This year, things changed. Now that The Gays want to cast off their wanton pasts and settle into committed, monogamous relationships, they are guilty of trying to destroy marriage. The President proposed an amendment banning gay marriage and the Republican Party Platform opposed both gay marriage and civil unions. In the 11th hour, The President said he was just kidding, that marriage was out, but that states could offer civil unions if they wanted. Now that 11 states - including two that should have known better, Oregon and Michigan; and I see you snickering over there, Ohio, you're no better - have passed laws banning gay marriage, and in some cases, civil unions, He is banging the drum again. The Party faithful are thrilled. To display his moral values, one protester has taught his 8 year old daughter the meaning of sodomy, so she can hold a placard declaring, SODOMY IS NOT A CIVIL RIGHT." Actually, honey, according to the Supreme Court, it is. Even for you, when you are old enough. Visiting your loved one in the hospital when they're dying is not a civil right.
Although this is the year gay marriage had her coming out ball, she's been kicking around since the mid-90s, when Congress passed the Defense of Marriage Act, or DOMA. DOMA was passed in a frenzy of fear that Hawaii was about to legalize gay marriage, and basically said that no other states had to legally recognize such a marriage. In regards to straight marriage, states operate under the Full Faith and Credit Clause, which essentially says that if you're married in one state, you're married in all states. Under DOMA, "No State, territory, or possession of the United States, or Indian tribe" is required to recognize "a relationship between persons of the same sex that is treated as a marriage under the laws of such other State, territory, possession, or tribe, or a right or claim arising from such relationship." So even if The Gays get married legally in Boston, Pennsylvania has no legal obligations. DOMA also defined marriage under Federal law as "only a legal union between one man and one woman as husband and wife, and the word 'spouse' refers only to a person of the opposite sex who is a husband or a wife."
Apparently, this is not enough to protect poor, helpless old Marriage. Now she needs additional defense against those who are encroaching on her borders. I agree. So I am campaigning to protect Marriage against the greatest threat to the institution. I am referring, of course, to divorce.
We've all seen the shocking statistics: that there is one divorce for every two marriages in the United States. People are marrying like crazy, but divorce is turning these new marriages into a sham. How can marriage possibly survive in this country if half the people who try it give it up before it has a chance to truly infest them? That's why I'm petitioning for new legislation to truly strengthen marriage.
My bill is the Defense of Original Marriage act, or DOOM. When a couple enters into matrimony, they do so before God, and obviously God's laws hold sway over those of man. So how can we continue to fool ourselves into thinking that a court - an activist judge, if you will - should have the power to put asunder what God has joined together? Christ was clear on this one. Not only is divorce against God's will, but remarriage to a divorced man or woman is adultery. We'll have none of that in Christian America! Some try to get around God's law by saying Christ allowed divorce in cases of fornication, or infidelity. As if two wrongs make a right! Divorce on top of fornication, and even worse, remarriage on top of divorce, is just piling sin on sin. DOOM makes it clear that once you're married, you're married.
Speaking of fornication, DOOM will also make it illegal for unmarried men and women to live together. All this cohabitation is clearly weakening marriage. Think of cows. Think of milk. Under DOOM, any unmarried couple living together will face strict fines. Unless they're gay, of course. The government will encourage parents and other family members to turn in their sinful relations, perhaps by rewarding them with a tax credit. Some sort of a fornication finder's fee. Florida has already passed a measure limiting the rights to privacy granted girls under the age of 18. Once voters see the sanctity of marriage is at stake, I'm sure they'll get behind similar measures in other states. The Census Bureau tracks individuals living at every address, so it should be easy enough to use that information to start cracking down on these criminal pleasurnauts.
DOOM is not completely unbending, though, and will dissolve marriages under special circumstances. The marriage vow makes it plain: "As long as you both shall live." DOOM does not advocate murder. But the death of a spouse is sufficient to dissolve a marriage. So if one partner should willingly allow him- or herself to be put to death in order to free the remaining partner, DOOM will gladly provide the structure to carry out his or her wishes. In addition, the penalty for divorce will be execution. DOOM does not condone the murder of innocents, but once one has turned away from God, all bets are off.
*****
I'm also working on legislation to appease both those who are against abortion and those who oppose stem cell research. Obviously, if life begins at conception, anyone who opposes abortion should also oppose in vitro fertilization. Since only 10 to 20 percent of eggs fertilized in this process ever result in a normal pregnancy, tens of thousands - perhaps hundreds of thousands - of human lives are destroyed every year through this barbaric procedure. Children are not a civil right.
Although this is the year gay marriage had her coming out ball, she's been kicking around since the mid-90s, when Congress passed the Defense of Marriage Act, or DOMA. DOMA was passed in a frenzy of fear that Hawaii was about to legalize gay marriage, and basically said that no other states had to legally recognize such a marriage. In regards to straight marriage, states operate under the Full Faith and Credit Clause, which essentially says that if you're married in one state, you're married in all states. Under DOMA, "No State, territory, or possession of the United States, or Indian tribe" is required to recognize "a relationship between persons of the same sex that is treated as a marriage under the laws of such other State, territory, possession, or tribe, or a right or claim arising from such relationship." So even if The Gays get married legally in Boston, Pennsylvania has no legal obligations. DOMA also defined marriage under Federal law as "only a legal union between one man and one woman as husband and wife, and the word 'spouse' refers only to a person of the opposite sex who is a husband or a wife."
Apparently, this is not enough to protect poor, helpless old Marriage. Now she needs additional defense against those who are encroaching on her borders. I agree. So I am campaigning to protect Marriage against the greatest threat to the institution. I am referring, of course, to divorce.
We've all seen the shocking statistics: that there is one divorce for every two marriages in the United States. People are marrying like crazy, but divorce is turning these new marriages into a sham. How can marriage possibly survive in this country if half the people who try it give it up before it has a chance to truly infest them? That's why I'm petitioning for new legislation to truly strengthen marriage.
My bill is the Defense of Original Marriage act, or DOOM. When a couple enters into matrimony, they do so before God, and obviously God's laws hold sway over those of man. So how can we continue to fool ourselves into thinking that a court - an activist judge, if you will - should have the power to put asunder what God has joined together? Christ was clear on this one. Not only is divorce against God's will, but remarriage to a divorced man or woman is adultery. We'll have none of that in Christian America! Some try to get around God's law by saying Christ allowed divorce in cases of fornication, or infidelity. As if two wrongs make a right! Divorce on top of fornication, and even worse, remarriage on top of divorce, is just piling sin on sin. DOOM makes it clear that once you're married, you're married.
Speaking of fornication, DOOM will also make it illegal for unmarried men and women to live together. All this cohabitation is clearly weakening marriage. Think of cows. Think of milk. Under DOOM, any unmarried couple living together will face strict fines. Unless they're gay, of course. The government will encourage parents and other family members to turn in their sinful relations, perhaps by rewarding them with a tax credit. Some sort of a fornication finder's fee. Florida has already passed a measure limiting the rights to privacy granted girls under the age of 18. Once voters see the sanctity of marriage is at stake, I'm sure they'll get behind similar measures in other states. The Census Bureau tracks individuals living at every address, so it should be easy enough to use that information to start cracking down on these criminal pleasurnauts.
DOOM is not completely unbending, though, and will dissolve marriages under special circumstances. The marriage vow makes it plain: "As long as you both shall live." DOOM does not advocate murder. But the death of a spouse is sufficient to dissolve a marriage. So if one partner should willingly allow him- or herself to be put to death in order to free the remaining partner, DOOM will gladly provide the structure to carry out his or her wishes. In addition, the penalty for divorce will be execution. DOOM does not condone the murder of innocents, but once one has turned away from God, all bets are off.
*****
I'm also working on legislation to appease both those who are against abortion and those who oppose stem cell research. Obviously, if life begins at conception, anyone who opposes abortion should also oppose in vitro fertilization. Since only 10 to 20 percent of eggs fertilized in this process ever result in a normal pregnancy, tens of thousands - perhaps hundreds of thousands - of human lives are destroyed every year through this barbaric procedure. Children are not a civil right.
posted by John Bliss at
11:05 AM
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