The Good, the Bad and the Trailers
Since The Day After Tomorrow is an action flick, it is preceded by action trailers. Yay! Incomprehensible action! For now, I'll skip I, Robot except to mention that it takes place in Chicago, it stars Will Smith and the principal from "Boston Public" and the robots are made by U.S. Robotics. Aren't they 3Com now? The movie appears to have more to do with Karel Capek's 1920 play R.U.R. than the Isaac Asimov book. As a friend observed, "It's based on a title by Isaac Asimov."
I've seen the trailer for King Arthur several times now, and all I can say is, if you didn't hate Gladiator, you may not hate this. It's written by David Franzoni, who wrote the original screenplay for that Roman potboiler (before it was rescued by a host of other scribes), and purports to tell the tale of the "real" King Arthur. "Before there was a legend," we are told, "there was a man." That man, so far as I can tell from the trailer, was a Roman soldier sent to kick druid ass. To those invested in Arturian legend, this might be a little offensive. Not that anyone's going to take anything that passes for "history" in this thing seriously. Franzoni's next epic is Hannibal, produced by and starring Vin Deisel (Is that gasoline wine?), which I predict will be indistinguishable from either Gladiator or King Arthur.
King Arthur stars a bunch of people I wouldn't know if I didn't look them up. Arthur is played by Clive Owen, previously best known for playing "The Driver" in "The Hire" series of short films (i.e. long commercials) produced by BMW. He is attractively bland in that wedding cake groom sort of way. Despite being English born, his articulation skills fall somewhere short of Arnold Schwartzenegger. In the preview, he is confronted by a man who says of him, "Finally, a man worth killing." Only if you don't mind cleaning all that product off your sword when you're done. Keira Knightley (please tell me that's a made up name) plays Guinevere. I should know her, since she played the female lead in Pirates of the Caribbean, but between Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Geoffrey Rush and Jonathan Pryce, who was paying any attention to the girl? Here she looks like Helena Bonham Carter's little sister, but with the blue face paint so favored by warriors in these Britflick epics. Lancelot is played by Ioan Gruffudd (Welsh, maybe?), who you may know from the 42 Horatio Hornblower episodes on A&E, in which he played the eponymous hero. (On IMDb, his name is given the alternate spelling of Ioio Gruffoid. I hope that's a joke. Very funny, Mr. Snoid.) He has certainly been beaten about the head with the pretty stick, but there's too little of him in the trailer to have any idea why he's here. There is, however, enough sword play and massing armies and flaming arrows and charging through the snow to thrill the heart of any 14 year old boy. There's even a scene in which everyone seems to be gathered around the craft service truck, but I know that's unlikely. And Guinevere makes one of those 100 yard long arrow hits than we haven't seen since, oh, Troy.
Meanwhile, at the other end of the epic timeline, comes Alexander, starring Colin Farrell. Or should I say, "Colin Farrell IS Alexander!" Despite, or because of, the fact that it has an Oliver Stone pedigree, this looks to be a real dog.
The trailer opens with horses galloping across the sandy plain while Anthony Hopkins (a mark of quality no less than the UL label or the K for kosher foods) intones, "By the age of 25 ... he had conquered the known world ..." Meanwhile all I can think of is Dr. Scott in Rocky Horror singing, "From the day he was born ... he was trouble." And between Troy and now this thing, I just keep thinking, "Wasn't there any grass before Christ?" We've got rocky plains, we've got sandy plains. Aren't there any fruited plains? Especially in a story about Alexander the Great?
Oh, here's Colin Farrell. Talk about your fruited plains. He appears, following the rubric "Warrior," with his furrowed brow and pursed lips and shaggy blond wig, looking like nothing so much as Seann William Scott, of American Pie fame. Later, when we get a better look at his long flowing locks, the effect is more of Jaye Davidson in a touring company of the musical version of Stargate. Whoever created this trailer is stunningly literal. When the word "Seeker" comes up, we see Farrell on a snowy mountain top, seeking. Then comes "Conquerer" and we hear, "Conquer your fear ... and I promise you will conquer death." It's bad enough that we have to hear an Oprasm in a flick about Alexander, but Farrell's tiny voice, as he strains to inspire his army, brings to mind Linda Richman of "Coffee Talk" fame. Are you feeling a bit verklempt, Al? Nothing, however, prepares you for the moment when Farrell, eyes wide and mouth agape, charges a rearing elephant.
You may say, if you are of such a mind, that a horrible trailer needn't demand a horrible picture. And I will grant you this, in theory. But in this case I will reply with four words. Val Kilmer, Angelina Jolie. This is the supporting cast. True, Kilmer has been trying to reacquaint himself with acting, with roles in The Salton Sea and Wonderland. And yes, Jolie looks possibly passable in the upcoming Sky Captain. Indeed, either one by him or herself might be acceptable. But together? And opposite Colin Farrell? Directed by Oliver Stone? I see an excuse for everyone to indulge themselves in the kind of behavior they find most enjoyable and we find most loathsome.
Those who missed any hint of the love that dare not speak its name in Troy are unlikely to find it here. Oliver Stone is not the most gay friendly director. (JFK anyone?) The film's official website refers only to "the rousing brotherly bonds with his closest companions and vast army." Now that could mean gangbang, but I doubt it. When the trailer flashes the word "Lover," Farrell ain't in the clinch with Kilmer. (Not that he would be, since Kilmer plays his father, but you get my point.) For that sort of thing, you'll have to wait for Baz Luhrman's version. If it ever gets made.
In any case, Stone's Alexander isn't due until November, just in time for, God help us, Oscar nominations. Let's see, one for the elephant, one for Colin Farrell's hair...
Note: If you haven't guessed by now, Troy is officially the benchmark by which other summer films will be judged. Day After Tomorrow? Not as bad as Troy. Alexander? Probably as bad as Troy. King Arthur? Much, much worse. As far as I'm concerned, the only good thing about that movie is the fact that I will never see it.
I've seen the trailer for King Arthur several times now, and all I can say is, if you didn't hate Gladiator, you may not hate this. It's written by David Franzoni, who wrote the original screenplay for that Roman potboiler (before it was rescued by a host of other scribes), and purports to tell the tale of the "real" King Arthur. "Before there was a legend," we are told, "there was a man." That man, so far as I can tell from the trailer, was a Roman soldier sent to kick druid ass. To those invested in Arturian legend, this might be a little offensive. Not that anyone's going to take anything that passes for "history" in this thing seriously. Franzoni's next epic is Hannibal, produced by and starring Vin Deisel (Is that gasoline wine?), which I predict will be indistinguishable from either Gladiator or King Arthur.
King Arthur stars a bunch of people I wouldn't know if I didn't look them up. Arthur is played by Clive Owen, previously best known for playing "The Driver" in "The Hire" series of short films (i.e. long commercials) produced by BMW. He is attractively bland in that wedding cake groom sort of way. Despite being English born, his articulation skills fall somewhere short of Arnold Schwartzenegger. In the preview, he is confronted by a man who says of him, "Finally, a man worth killing." Only if you don't mind cleaning all that product off your sword when you're done. Keira Knightley (please tell me that's a made up name) plays Guinevere. I should know her, since she played the female lead in Pirates of the Caribbean, but between Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Geoffrey Rush and Jonathan Pryce, who was paying any attention to the girl? Here she looks like Helena Bonham Carter's little sister, but with the blue face paint so favored by warriors in these Britflick epics. Lancelot is played by Ioan Gruffudd (Welsh, maybe?), who you may know from the 42 Horatio Hornblower episodes on A&E, in which he played the eponymous hero. (On IMDb, his name is given the alternate spelling of Ioio Gruffoid. I hope that's a joke. Very funny, Mr. Snoid.) He has certainly been beaten about the head with the pretty stick, but there's too little of him in the trailer to have any idea why he's here. There is, however, enough sword play and massing armies and flaming arrows and charging through the snow to thrill the heart of any 14 year old boy. There's even a scene in which everyone seems to be gathered around the craft service truck, but I know that's unlikely. And Guinevere makes one of those 100 yard long arrow hits than we haven't seen since, oh, Troy.
Meanwhile, at the other end of the epic timeline, comes Alexander, starring Colin Farrell. Or should I say, "Colin Farrell IS Alexander!" Despite, or because of, the fact that it has an Oliver Stone pedigree, this looks to be a real dog.
The trailer opens with horses galloping across the sandy plain while Anthony Hopkins (a mark of quality no less than the UL label or the K for kosher foods) intones, "By the age of 25 ... he had conquered the known world ..." Meanwhile all I can think of is Dr. Scott in Rocky Horror singing, "From the day he was born ... he was trouble." And between Troy and now this thing, I just keep thinking, "Wasn't there any grass before Christ?" We've got rocky plains, we've got sandy plains. Aren't there any fruited plains? Especially in a story about Alexander the Great?
Oh, here's Colin Farrell. Talk about your fruited plains. He appears, following the rubric "Warrior," with his furrowed brow and pursed lips and shaggy blond wig, looking like nothing so much as Seann William Scott, of American Pie fame. Later, when we get a better look at his long flowing locks, the effect is more of Jaye Davidson in a touring company of the musical version of Stargate. Whoever created this trailer is stunningly literal. When the word "Seeker" comes up, we see Farrell on a snowy mountain top, seeking. Then comes "Conquerer" and we hear, "Conquer your fear ... and I promise you will conquer death." It's bad enough that we have to hear an Oprasm in a flick about Alexander, but Farrell's tiny voice, as he strains to inspire his army, brings to mind Linda Richman of "Coffee Talk" fame. Are you feeling a bit verklempt, Al? Nothing, however, prepares you for the moment when Farrell, eyes wide and mouth agape, charges a rearing elephant.
You may say, if you are of such a mind, that a horrible trailer needn't demand a horrible picture. And I will grant you this, in theory. But in this case I will reply with four words. Val Kilmer, Angelina Jolie. This is the supporting cast. True, Kilmer has been trying to reacquaint himself with acting, with roles in The Salton Sea and Wonderland. And yes, Jolie looks possibly passable in the upcoming Sky Captain. Indeed, either one by him or herself might be acceptable. But together? And opposite Colin Farrell? Directed by Oliver Stone? I see an excuse for everyone to indulge themselves in the kind of behavior they find most enjoyable and we find most loathsome.
Those who missed any hint of the love that dare not speak its name in Troy are unlikely to find it here. Oliver Stone is not the most gay friendly director. (JFK anyone?) The film's official website refers only to "the rousing brotherly bonds with his closest companions and vast army." Now that could mean gangbang, but I doubt it. When the trailer flashes the word "Lover," Farrell ain't in the clinch with Kilmer. (Not that he would be, since Kilmer plays his father, but you get my point.) For that sort of thing, you'll have to wait for Baz Luhrman's version. If it ever gets made.
In any case, Stone's Alexander isn't due until November, just in time for, God help us, Oscar nominations. Let's see, one for the elephant, one for Colin Farrell's hair...
Note: If you haven't guessed by now, Troy is officially the benchmark by which other summer films will be judged. Day After Tomorrow? Not as bad as Troy. Alexander? Probably as bad as Troy. King Arthur? Much, much worse. As far as I'm concerned, the only good thing about that movie is the fact that I will never see it.
posted by John Bliss at
1:17 PM
1 Comments:
If anyone thinks Oliver Stone's remake of "Alexander" is historically accurate, they need a basic lesson in history.
The ancient Achaemenid Persian empire has a fascinating and spectacular history and I encourage everyone to make it a point of learning about this fascinating period of world history in your leisure time, since it is not taught in schools.
I hope people are not dumb enough to think that "Alexander" is an actual depiction of history. Oliver Stone, unfortunately, like the rest of Hollywood, is an uneducated Jew.
Alexander's war against the Persian Empire lasted for years and there were many battles and encounters between the Greek/Macedonian barbarians (which in this film are depicted as "civilized") and the mighty Persian empire.
Also, contrary to the film "Alexander", it is a well known fact in informed circles that the Persians had, centuries earlier, brought an end to oppression and slavery and had introduced freedom to the territories they annexed during their reign of the known world. They had freed slaves after conqueering Babylon, etc.,(including jewish slaves - which I'll bet Mr. Stone doesn't know anything about) and brought an era of peace and stability to the known world at that time. This "Golden Age" all came to an end, for ever, with the Alexander's barbarian invasion. Alexander masacred entire cities with crusfications numbering in the tens of thousands in Tyre and Persepolis alone. The surviving women and children were taken as slaves - thereby re-introducing slavery which had been brought to an end by the conquering Persians, two centuries earlier.
The film incorrectly centers on Babylon, and also fails to show the wanton massacres, looting and destruction of the magnificent Persian cities and palaces of Persepolis (Parsa) and Suza. It also "Arabizes" the Persians and the Persian military, in typical, politically charged, Hollywood style
Don't get me wrong though, I didn't expect anymore than this from Hollywood so I can say that (the trailers) were not a total disappointment.
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Anonymous, at 7:55 PM
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