Was It Good For You?

Bad sex has been on my mind of late. I'm not exactly sure why. It's not because I've been having a lot of bad sex, because frankly, I haven't been having that much sex. Perhaps it's because I have friends who have been having even less sex than me, and I want to set their minds at ease. Or perhaps it's because so much of the media revolves around sex, and that, as you'd suspect, is part of the problem.

In my experience, most sex is bad for three reasons. I'm even willing to say that most sex is bad. This is where everyone gets on their high horse and wants to take me to task. Not realizing that I've been taken to task so often that everything about it is familiar to me. "Just because you have bad sex they cry," underscoring the "you," as if I am some freak of nature who doesn't deserve better sex, "that doesn't mean everybody has bad sex." I'll grant you that. I will also grant you that much bad sex starts off as good sex, and sometimes it declines so slowly that you don't notice it. The brakes on your car don't usually go out all at once, but if you avoid proper maintenance, they may eventually fail. And after a few years, mechanical repetitive humping may suit your needs more than an all out flashdance. But that doesn't make it good.

And this takes us to the first category: the Person.

I am enough of a romantic to recognize that the most important element in Good Sex is your partner. In order to have an enjoyable sexual experience, you need to be attracted to the other person. Which doesn't mean they need to be attractive. This is the first place where people go astray. All too often, our choice of a mate is influenced not just by what we want, but by what our friends (family, social group) will think. Granted, if you're considering matrimony, that Albanian dwarf may raise a few eyebrows. But if you're just in the market for some hardcore wrestling, go for it.

Movies misrepresent this choice. In the movies, the suspect lover is a young, beautiful movie star who is from the wrong side of the tracks (poor-but-honest, overcoming-his-demons). In real life, it's the programmer from HR with the killer smile that no one seems to appreciate except you. But rather than thinking your friends must be crazy, you assume that you are. So instead you date the MBA consultant who hammers you like a tackling dummy.

In other cases, singles find that necessity is the mother of attraction. It's last call, the bar is closing, and rather than pick up an Entenmann's Raspberry Twist at the White Hen, you go home with the guy with too much cologne and the sweaty palms. If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with. Except that no one would call this love, and the coffee cake is much better in bed.

For those people lucky enough to find someone who turns them on consistently, marriage seems to be the solution. But that doesn't always guarantee success. After a few years, a few fights, or even a few loads of laundry, attraction can fade. Even under the best of circumstances, the spark isn't there all the time. And there's always the possibility that your partner is more attracted to you than you are to them. That's the reason you snatched 'em up to begin with! Self-esteem trumped lust, and now you're living with a stalker.

The flip side of this problem – and one more daunting for men than women – is that of being too attracted to your partner. They say that the brain is the biggest sex organ – though having seen Body Worlds down at the Museum of Science and Industry, I have my doubts – but the body is a trickster. And there are circumstances under which the body decides to fire the cannon when the mind has barely finished loading. Need I say more?

Which brings us to the second element of bad sex: Time.

As Einstein told us, time is relative. What seems like forever to you is a mere twinkling of an eye to your partner. And what a difference that twinkle makes.

Good sex takes time. How much time depends on everyone involved. Sure, there are days when all you want is a quick ride on the Wild Mouse. But in general, a satisfying sexual experience requires setup, delivery, and cool down with more than a passing nod to each stage.

And there, as they say, is the rub. Because when I'm halfway through stage one, you may be ready and anxious to proceed to stage two. Most men see stage two as the main event, but if women don't get enough stage one, stage two is like the Batman ride: a lot of jostling around without much in the way of thrills. And stage three is generally overlooked in favor of s shower or nap.

When love is new, it's easy to give a lot of attention to your partner. You're still exploring every nook and cranny, and seeing what makes them squeal. Do you like this? Do you not like this? Do you need a cookie? But after a few times through the fun house, you know when the skeletons are going to jump out. You develop adult ADD. You're in the middle of a half nelson with another naked human being, and all you can think about is who's on Conan. It's even worse when you find yourself locked in sweaty embrace with a partner who, for whatever reasons, simply doesn't hump your camel. Who has the time for that sort of thing? All you can this is, "Finish already so I can fall asleep and/or go home."

Especially in the absence of the third leg of our triumvirate: Technique

The sad truth is, most people aren't very good at it. And by "it," I mean, of course, it.

On one hand, you can't completely blame them. They're functioning on a lot of misinformation and improper training. The only practice they get outside of the actual arena is masturbation. And while that's fine for figuring out what they like, it does their partner little good. On the other hand, a lot of bad technique is due to sheer laziness. A man who spends years working on his backhand often completely ignores his foreplay.

The other culprit here is – as ever – the media. I won't say that people expect too much out of sex, but ... yes. Yes I will. People expect too much out of sex. And by too much, what I mean is: 1) that it happens automatically, 2) that it is immediately fulfilling, and 3) that it is the salve to all their woes.

Third things first: sex cannot solve your problems. Sex can only cause more problems. The only problem sex can solve is not having enough sex. We often hear and/or say that the only thing Person A needs is a good hard fuck. Nothing could be more untrue. If Person A has a good hard fuck, they will still be crazy, they will just have one more thing to be crazy about. And nobody needs that.

Second things second: don't expect so much from biology. Sex can be fun, but no one promised fulfillment. If you are lucky enough to find someone who fulfills all your sexual needs, god bless. Snatch them up and hold on tight, even at the risk of seeming a stalker (see "Person," above). But even then, don't expect them to fulfill all your needs. Just because someone is good in the sack, it doesn't mean they're any good at child care. Or child support, if you get my drift. But in most cases, the first time through is not necessarily the best time through. Everyone has their own schedule of events. See "Time," above.

Finally, good sex is not automatic. No matter what you see on TV, people do not fall into bed and immediately find a rhythm. It takes work. And for this, people turn to the worst source of information. Pornography.

Pornography is entertainment. It is not a manual. Repeat after me. Those letters to Penthouse? Never happened.

Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against pornography. It is a lovely substitute for sex. Almost as good as Entenmann's Raspberry Twist. But don't use it as a guide to what works in real life. Most porn suffers from both a failure of imagination and too much imagination.

Sex in pornography is formula driven. A sucks B. B sucks A. Maybe a 69. Then comes penetration. Missionary with legs in the air and/or on shoulders. Doggy style. Squat. Ah, ah, ah. DS al Fin. Back to missionary for ejaculation. On stomach, chest/breast or face. Or doggy for ass. Fin.

Don't try this at home. Not unless you want to feel like you're working for Vivid Video. Try to be a little more creative. Or at least improvisational. Much like the Pirate's Code, these are more a set of guidelines.

At the same time, don't assume all your friends and neighbors have slings and dungeons and you have to keep up. Or handcuffs. Or French maid's outfits. Feel free to engage in fantasy, but make sure it's your fantasy, not the editor of Man's Hand's.

Next, don't compare yourself to porn actors. You don't have the equipment. These men and women are professionals – they got the work because of what they're packin'. There's a very small skill set that leads to success in this field, and it's not much use in many others. You can have fun on the links without being Tiger Woods. You don't need to be Jenna Jameson or Tommy Gunn to have fun in the bedroom.

Finally, a word about positions. If you have any experience working in film, you know that the camera has needs of its own. There's a big difference between doing something for the camera and doing it for fun. In order to suit the requirements of picture and lighting, porn actors need to be a combination of gymnast, acrobat and contortionist. That pretzel position is not for pleasure, but for visibility. When you're humpin' some household trim, your main concern is comfort, not camera.

So how does one develop technique, if not learning from professionals? Part of it is instinct. We've continued to propagate the species for millions of years, so we must be doing something right. Clear your mind, grasshopper, and follow your nose. Focus on what you want to do, rather than what you think you should do. Many of us in this country find that very difficult. We are led by the majority and the media. Unless you're sleeping with them, forget it. And many of us are unwilling and/or ashamed to do what we want sexually, for fear of reprimand or ridicule. But unless you try, how will you learn?

Next, pay attention. Learn from your partner(s). They will tell you what works by their response. But that requires you to be aware of their response. It is easy to get lost in our own pleasure, and lose track of the people around us, even when they are right under our nose. Pay attention! As in the traffic safety trope, Stop, Look and Listen.

And if you have questions, ask. If there is one thing that everyone could do to improve their technique, it is to communicate more. If your partner does something you like, praise them. It works for your dog, why not in bed. If they do something you don't like, let them know. A rolled up newspaper is not called for, but a gentle reprimand is not out of order. No one knows what you want unless you tell them, in one way or another. And in the heat of the moment, a grunt can be taken as either encouragement or disparagement. So be specific. The most common complaint couples make is that "s/he should know what I'm feeling." Well s/he doesn't, so tell them. For the betterment of the universe, we all have a responsibility to train our partners.

Finally, the best way to improve your technique is the same as the best way to get to Carnegie Hall. Practice, practice, practice. It may not make perfect, but it makes better.

And better is better than bad.